When I was a kid, my mother said, “Mind your manners” and I quietly rolled my eyes behind her back.  As most kids my age I didn’t really understand the importance of manners; but I knew they were important to my mom and to avoid trouble I certainly was going to do what she said!  It’s a new day and manners often seem to be lacking in our society.  So why exactly are manners important?  Well for one, they set boundaries for what is appropriate social behavior, they convey respect for others, and they help maintain a peaceful school, household, and community. 

 As our definition of respect changes we must look at how this impacts manners and subsequently behavioral changes in our culture.  Respect has traditionally meant to consider someone worthy of esteem and regard with honor.  It is commonly thought, through this point of view, that the more respect you give, the more you will get.  However society has twisted the definition of respect.  In some communities respect means that others fear you or defer to your authority.  This meaning is being seen more and more in media, music, and videos that target our kids.  Suddenly something as simple as respect takes on an ominous tone touching on intimidation and violence. 

 Yes, in my time serving kids and their families I have seen this dynamic in classrooms, households, playgrounds, and the community in general.  As a community; adults, kids, educators, grandparents, etc.; it is time to put the appropriate definition of respect back into our society and the best way to do this is by teaching simple manners. 

Four major areas of manners:

 General:  Address others in a respectful manner avoiding yelling, putdowns, name calling, shaming and blaming.  Avoid aggressive communication and focus on facts, not hearsay or supposition.  Stay calm, offer a friendly smile, and make eye contact.  See yourself serving others by doing things to make their life easier, such as opening the door, helping with a chore, doing things before having to be asked.  One of the best rewards of good manners is how nice it makes you feel.

 Seniors:  Seniors should be addressed and treated with respect.  They are a source of wisdom and we can all learn much from them.  As our elderly slow down we can sometimes become impatient with them.  It may take longer for a senior to answer or respond.  To cut them off is to show disrespect.  Take your time with our seniors and listen to them; they have a wealth of knowledge and life experience.

 Adults/Parents:  It is a parent’s job to teach their children nice manners.  When children exhibit poor manners the conclusion is often that the parents have not done their job.  So to all the kids out there, whether it is right or wrong, your behavior does reflect back on your parents.  One of the biggest complaints that I hear from parents is that their kids do not treat them with respect.  They argue with them, put them down, and basically don’t see them as a person.  To respect your parent is to value them as a living, breathing person.  Acknowledge what they do for you and say thank you.  Too often we use our very worst manners with our families.  These are the people you see every day; they should be the first to receive a please and thank you.  Parents work hard to provide for their families, often with little respect for what they are giving their kids.  Respect what your parents give you by taking care of what you have. 

 Children:  Children are “talked at” all the time.  From their perspective few people see them as being old enough to make decisions.  I have heard kids say time and time again, “Just because I’m a kid, does not mean I’m stupid!”  The best way for kids to learn manners is to be a good role model.  Tell your kids please and thank you.  Set expectations for manners in your house.  Teach manners and why they are important.  Set the expectation that these manners will be followed whether you are present or not.  Most important, when your kids demonstrate nice manners, praise them! 

Talking points for teaching manners:

1. Discuss what manners are and why you think they are important.  Ask your kids what manners they feel are important.
2. Talk about a time when someone didn’t use manners and how that felt.
3. Give different scenarios and ask your kids what manners they would use. 
4. Talk about what manners you expect from your kids and give them the opportunity to express their opinions.  In the end, your kids will need a clear picture of what you expect and the consequences if they do not demonstrate your expectations.
5. Discuss with your children what they can do when their friends don’t have good manners.
6. Point out good/bad manners during everyday activities; such as watching television.

 Remember, the number one way you can create a healthy child is to simply start a conversation!

Progressive Youth Connection is dedicated to providing violence prevention services to youth in the Saint Louis area, and we support the efforts of other professionals and organizations who work to help young people.  In April, aligning with a national effort, we bring awareness to the issue of child abuse.  Violence, abuse, and neglect against children can be prevented by giving parents access to the resources that they need. 

 Some startling statistics show the dramatic necessity for supportive services for our vulnerable children and their parents. 

A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds.  In 2007, the rate of investigated reports into child maltreatment and neglect in Missouri was 1 and ½ times the national average.  Missouri is ranked 5^th among states with the highest rate of child fatality due to maltreatment and neglect.  Eighty percent of children that die from abuse are under the age of four.  Incidences and report statistics have been steadily rising over the past decade.

 Abuse and neglect of a child under the age of 18 by a parent, caregiver, or another person in a custodial role includes all of the following:

• Physical abuse is the use of physical force, such as hitting, kicking, shaking, burning or other show of force against a child.

• Sexual abuse involves engaging a child in sexual acts. It includes fondling, rape, and exposing a child to other sexual activities.

• Emotional abuse refers to behaviors that harm a child’s self-worth or emotional well-being. Examples include name calling, shaming, rejection, withholding love, and threatening.

• Neglect is the failure to meet a child’s basic needs. These needs include housing, food, clothing, education, and access to medical care.

 Research has shown that parents and caregivers who have support—from family, friends, neighbors, and their communities—are more likely to provide safe and healthy homes for their children. When parents lack this support or feel isolated, on the other hand, they may be more likely to make poor decisions that can lead to neglect or abuse.  The lack of supervision and lack of positive parenting skills can also lead to unintentional injury of a child.

 How You Can Help

Parenting is one of the most challenging and most important jobs in America.  When we have strong, healthy parents who have access to the resources and support they need to be successful, our communities become safer and healthier.  Individuals and entire communities play a role in helping families find the strength they need to raise safe, healthy, and productive children.

Here are some things you can do:

• Get to know your neighbors. Problems seem less overwhelming when support is nearby.
• Help a family under stress. Offer to babysit, help with chores and errands, or suggest resources in the community that can help.
• Reach out to children in your community. A smile or a word of encouragement can mean a lot, whether it comes from a parent or a passing stranger.
• Be an active community member. Lend a hand at local schools, community or faith-based organizations, children's hospitals, social service agencies, or other places where families and children are supported.
• Keep your neighborhood safe. Start a Neighborhood Watch or plan a local "National Night Out" community event. You will get to know your neighbors while helping to keep your neighborhood and children safe.
• Learn how to recognize and report signs of child abuse and neglect. Reporting your concerns may protect a child and get help for a family who needs it.

 Take this opportunity to bring further awareness to this issue by taking one small step in the direction of making your community a safe and healthy place to grow up.

 http://www.childhelp.org/pages/statistics

http://www.childwelfare.gov/preventing/preventionmonth/

http://cvip.wustl.edu/about/Pages/Facts-and-Statistics.aspx