1 out of 3 teen girls in the U.S. has been a victim of physical, emotional or sexual abuse by a dating partner.
DATING VIOLENCE
Imagine you are out for an evening stroll and you round a corner only to witness a brutal beating. Before you a young women is being slapped, scratched, and thrown. Your immediate instinct is to help, which is what most of us would do. The truth is, this scenario depicts an all too common situation, a young woman in a violent dating relationship. The desire to intervene is noble – indeed necessary – yet, the reality is that many previous opportunities to prevent this situation have gone unrecognized. Prevalence rates of psychological and emotional abuse in dating relationships have been reported as high as 76% and physical violence as high as 40%. There is no doubt that dating violence is escalating. One in three United States teen girls has been a victim of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse by a dating partner.
Known causes of dating violence include low self-esteem, inexperience with dating, up-bringing, peer pressure, and immaturity. In addition, rigid gender roles stereotypes have been found in adolescents who report dating violence. It is important to remember that dating violence is not confined to heterosexual dating relationships, it is also found in dating relationships of Lesbian, Bi-sexual, Gay, Transgender, and Questioning (LGBTQ) teens. Warning signs to watch for include: sudden loss of interest in activities, low grades, changes in appetite, changes in sleep patterns, loss of regular friends and drastic changes in clothing. Often victims will wear long sleeves, long pants and scarves to hide bruises and marks. If you suspect that your teen may be in a violent dating situation begin communicating with them about appropriate dating behavior and ask them if they are experiencing any of the following behaviors in their dating relationship.
Do you feel like you don't have any power in your relationship?
Are you afraid of your partner's temper?
Are you afraid to disagree?
Are you constantly apologizing for your partner's behavior?
Are you justifying everything you do to avoid your partner's anger?
Are you being put-down by your partner and then being told that s/he loves you?
Are you being kept from seeing your friends and family?
Are you being told what to do?
Are you being forced or pressured to have sex?
Are you afraid to say "no" to sex?
Are you afraid to break up? Is your partner saying s/he can't live without you?
Is your partner jealous or possessive?
Does your partner try to control you?
Does your partner abuse alcohol or other drugs and/or pressure you to take them?
Does your partner blame you when s/he mistreats you?
Does your partner have a history of bad relationships?
Does your partner always blame others for his/her problems?
Does your partner believe s/he should be in control all the time?
Have your family and/or friends warned you about the person or told you they were worried for your safety?
Has your partner hit, kicked, shoved you or thrown things at you?
Have you been wrongly accused of flirting or having sex with someone else?
Do you feel like you can't do anything without your partner's permission?
Does your partner tell you s/he wants you all to him/her and not let you do anything on your own?
REMEMBER: ABUSE IS ABOUT POWER AND CONTROL. If your teen identifies with any of these statements they may be in a violent dating situation. The first way you can help your teen is to offer them love, support, open non-judgmental communication, and encourage zero tolerance for inappropriate dating behaviors. There are many reasons a teen may want to stay in a dating relationship. In high school, status and self-esteem are often intricately linked to a teen’s relationship. Leaving a relationship, even if there is violence, may make your teen feel like she is losing an integral part of her identity. Our society tends to “couple” people. How often does your teen hear the question, “do you have a boyfriend (girlfriend)?” Your teen may feel that it’s better to be in an abusive relationship than in no relationship at all, fearing that she will have no friends, no social standing, or that she will lose her social support system if she breaks up with the abuser. She may be in love and want the violence to end, but not the relationship altogether. Your teen may feel that nobody could possibly understand how she feels, or she may fear punishment — that if you find out, you won’t let the couple date any longer. She may worry that you will be disappointed in her. Finally, you must consider what type of relationships your teen has witnessed. If your teen does not see healthy relationships at home she is not likely to experience one of her own.
Ending a violent relationship can be dangerous. Care should be taken to ensure the safety of your child. Remember, they cannot do this alone. Have them follow these tips and document any threats of violence. Call 9-1-1 if immediate danger is present and contact the local police department to notify them of any risk for violence.
Create a safety plan, including where to go if they are in a dangerous situation.
Provide a working cell phone in case they need to call for help.
Create a secret code with people they trust. That way, if they are with their abuser and need help, they can request help safely.
Notify work and school. Create a safe environment when they are away from home.
Have them avoid walking or riding alone.
Be smart about technology. Don't share passwords. Don't post schedules on Facebook, and keep your settings private.
Our instinct is to help those who are being hurt, but the time to help is long before an occurrence on an afternoon stroll. The time to help is now. Open communication with the young people around you. Don’t be afraid to discuss the topic of dating violence. Know what resources are available to you. Provide support to dating violence prevention and education. Most importantly, educate yourself on what a healthy relationship is and model that behavior.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in Progressive Youth Connection and give you a personal introduction to the agency and the work that we do. I don’t think anyone can look at the world today, especially in St. Louis, and not be concerned by the increase in violence our children are facing. Bullying, gang violence, dating violence, and hate crimes all have drastic consequences; not only in emotional and physical scars, but also in fatalities. PYC has taken a stance to turn this violent reality around.
At PYC, we take every opportunity to create peaceful change in our community. We have the belief that to resolve the issues of violence we must take a holistic approach by addressing each area of a child’s life. This is done by approaching violence through the child, the family, and the community. Teaching children to resolve conflict peacefully, stay safe in situations that could turn violent, and maintain healthy relationships with friends, family, self, and community is an important part of the process, but educating parents and the community is vital. PYC’s programs are designed to give kids, parents, and communities the tools necessary to keep St. Louis children safe.
There are many charities I could have selected to become a part of, not just a board member, but truly a part of the organization. Progressive Youth Connection is different from most children organizations - they PREVENT violence. Growing up in a North County school exposed me to gang violence and segregation amongst students, who didn’t have any sense of responsibility or consequences for their actions. Today, I’m a parent who wants to make the world and classroom a safer place for my child, and yours. We have to worry about a new form of bullying. The concern isn’t who is singling out my child at school, but who is posting negative comments to the entire class, and worse, your child believing those statements. The underlying fact is we need support to grow a healthy community, and it starts with prevention.
I would like to ask you to get involved, as well, by supporting the 2011 World of Children awards and fund raising event through a sponsorship. World of Children is on May 6, 2011 at the DoubleTree in Chesterfield, MO. The event recognizes and honors individuals and businesses in St. Louis that play a significant role in the lives of children. It will draw 200+ prominent community members and provides a perfect opportunity to advertise yourself or your business and support a worthy cause. Hundreds will attend the event and thousands will receive e-blasts featuring your business and links to your page. Please review the attached materials while considering your involvement. This event will be a wonderful success
with your help.
Sincerely,
Jeanette B. Kirkpatrick, World of Children Chair
Progressive Youth Connection Board Member
The 13th Annual World of Children winners are officially in. This year
we a had a number of great candidates and very deserving nominees. The
winners, by category, are:
Community Volunteerism: Dr. Michael Banton, The Psychiatric Center, Ltd.
Health: SSM Cardinal Glennon Children's Medical Center
Non-Profit: Weed and Seed
Social Serices: Gold Wise, Provident
Corporate: Citi
Arts/Entertainment/Media: Tom Brady, Art and Tech Workshop
Education: Lisa Orden Zarin, College Bound
Government/Law: Carter Ward, Missouri School Boards Association Complete Cooperation: Renaissance Financial If you would like more information on the event please get in
touch with John at 314-963-8368, pycdevelopment@aol.com, or visit our
events page. Congrats to the winners and thank you for all you do in
St. Louis! See you soon!
World of Children 2011 will be held on May 6, 2011 at the DoubleTree in Chesterfield. Go to our events page to purchase your tickets today! The World of Children awards are will be presented at the event to recognize and honor those who have played in significant role in the lives of St. Louis children. The event features wine tasting, hors d'oeuvres, live music and an auction. All proceeds benefit Progressive Youth Connection's violence prevention programs in local schools and communities.
Progressive Youth Connection would like to thank all of our guests and sponsors at our annual Football Frenzy event in December. We could not keep up our mission without you!
Thank you, again, to our sponsors: Gateway Metals, Max Muscle Sports Nutrition, Paul Cross & Associates, Clement Masonry, and Ernst & Young.
Please keep PYC in mind when giving this holiday season. We depend on our community to keep our mission alive. Here are a few tips to make the best out of your holidays.
Safe Holidays:
Don’t drink and drive.
-The times of day with the highest number of drunk driving fatalities are midnight to 3 a.m. (28%), 9 p.m. to midnight (21%), and then 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. (16%).
-38% of all Christmas-time car accident deaths and 54 % of all New Year's car accident deaths are alcohol-related.
Be mindful of decorations. Many trees, lights and holiday shrubbery can be toxic or a choking hazard.
Be aware of food allergies, not only for you and your family, but also for visiting guests.
Know where your children are, what they are doing and who they are with.
Embrace laughter, joy, and peace. Focus on the positives of the holiday season.
Minimize stress by making schedules, budgets, and saying no when you have to.
Spend quality time with your kids. Talk with them. Read books together. Watch your favorite holiday movies or television shows. Share special memories about your own childhood. Engage!
Head off drama and theatrics by setting clear expectations about spending time with the family, helping out with various tasks, and how you expect your kids to use their free time during the holiday break. Make the consequences clear and follow through. Once you have set these expectations take a step back. Don’t remind or nag. If something is not done then allow the consequence to redirect the behavior. Remember to monitor your own behavior and model to your children how you want them to behave.
Know the signs of depression. The holidays can often trigger depression for a variety of reasons, from missing a loved one who has passed away to not feeling part of the holiday spirit. If you notice signs of depression, ask your child how they are feeling. Seek help if they are suffering from depressive symptoms. Go to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation or call 911 if there is any risk of immediate harm.
Be accessible to your children. Give them the floor to talk and listen without preaching or offering clichés. Help them work toward solutions to their problems without rushing in to “fix things”.
Happy Holidays:
Embrace traditions
Start new traditions (and scrap the tired, worn out, or aged out traditions)
Celebrate your culture.
Cook together. With supervision and depending on age, kids can do everything from prep work to cookie decoration! It will give you the chance to talk, be creative, and encourage each other. When kids accomplish a cooking task it not only builds confidence it improves self-esteem!
Let go of the past. Nothing ruins family time like a grudge. Make peace with the past and move on. Grudges are self-punishing and make you feel bad. Focus on these steps to let go of your grudge.
- Find the source of the grudge - Rationalize its impact on your life - Change the course of your relationship. You can preferably restore the relationship by adjusting your attitude. However, if the relationship is detrimental to your mental, emotional, or physical well-being; you may be better off to distance yourself. (www.mayoclinic.com)
Set a budget and stick with it. Don’t be embarrassed by how large or small your budget is. It’s your life, it’s your budget, and it’s your business.
Give your kids a budget, even if it is a dollar or less! Help them to plan for who they want to give gifts or help out during the holidays. Teach your children that not every gift costs money. Artwork, letters, poems, and raking the leaves are all gifts that are inexpensive or free.
Get outside! Take your kids on a lights tour! Visit the zoo. Bundle up and enjoy the great outdoors. Pack a thermos with hot chocolate. It tastes so much better when it’s frosty outside.
Dance! Put on the music, turn it up, and dance with abandon. This is a sure way to teach your children to be light hearted and depending on your dancing, how not to be self conscious!
Take the time to send your kids a holiday card telling them what makes them special.
Progressive Youth Connection will be having its annual Football Frenzy event on December 5, 2010. We would love to see some new faces so please feel welcome to come and bring a friend. Tickets are $40 each and include food (pizza, salad), drink (beer, soda), and a great time. This is a great chance to meet some new people and do some networking in a casual environment. Buy your tickets online by clicking here. Have questions? Email John at pycdevelopment@aol.com.
October is National Bullying Prevention Month.It is important that we start teaching our children how to prevent bullying and what to do if they see bullying.Through October, I will be addressing bullying through information focusing on various age groups and behaviors.Today I would like to talk about teaching children the difference between teasing and bullying.It is common and completely normal to tease those that we love.But what really is teasing?The Mirriam-Webster dictionary states that teasing is “to make fun of”.Is that what we really do with our loved ones?Of
course not; we tease because there is a comfort zone there that allows
us to make little jokes about our loved one’s idiosyncrasies without
being demeaning or putting them down.The teasing strengthens the bond and makes the two people closer.For
example, a wife asking her husband if she snores and the husband
replying, “of course not, Darling, you don’t snore, you purr.”The statement is softened in a positive way and the wife is not embarrassed or humiliated.When
you tease it should boost someone’s morale and make them feel better
about themselves and comfortable with those around them.
Children can have a difficult time understanding the concept of teasing.The
way to distinguish between the two is by the intent. The goal of
teasing is to create closer relationships and make connections. The
goal of bullying is to harm. Teasing turns into bullying when kids use
it to gain greater social status.(scholastic.com).
To help your children learn this difference, I encourage you to have a conversation about teasing and bullying.
Ask your kids what they see at school, do kids tease each other?
Who do they tease? How do they tease, what do they do?
Do they get teased? How are they teased?
Ask them how they feel when they are teased.
Does teasing leave them feeling embarrassed or bad?
Have they ever teased someone in an attempt to make the other person feel bad or to get people to laugh at that person?
Define
bullying for your children: Bullying is when someone repeatedly and on
purpose says or does mean or hurtful things to another person who has a
hard time defending himself or herself.
Bullying
does not happen by mistake. If you become concerned after talking to
your child, talk to the school and find out what is going on.
Follow-up with your child and the school to make sure that any bullying
issues are resolved. Encourage your children to come to you if they
think anyone is getting their feelings hurt or if they are being
physically bullied. Model good behavior for your children by avoiding
putting people down, making jokes about individuals or groups of
people, and name-calling. Focus on building people up and teaching
your children to accept others in spite of the differences they may
have.
As
always, if you have any concerns about the safety of your child, or any
other child, address them immediately with the school. If the threat
for violence is great contact the police department. Simple
conversations as the one above can go a long way to changing the lives
of our children. Nobody should go to school in fear and it is our
responsibility to ensure this. Please visit our website at pyconline.com for more information or to contribute your comments to our parent’s page. Thank you for your interest in the well being of our children. Meg Petri, M.Ed., LPC, LCPC, NCC
I
think we have all been shocked by the recent headlines reporting on
parents intervening in their children’s disputes with violence. Even
the passive violence of a parent encouraging one child to fight another
is disturbing. This is what happens when adults have never been
educated on the basics of anger management and conflict resolution.
That coupled with an obvious lack of maturity creates a disastrous
environment for our children, resulting in parents intervening
inappropriately rather than teaching their children how to resolve
conflict peacefully and keep themselves safe. Some argue that we now
live in a culture that embraces “might makes right.” Although this
notion may be found culturally through various forms of media,
including movies and music, it is completely inappropriate to teach
children to live their lives through aggression.
As
we read these startling headlines it is easy to become dismayed and
fearful for our children’s safety. I want to take a moment to address
some things that you can do to help create a safe environment for your
children. First, look at how you resolve your disputes in and out of
your home. Is your first response anger? Do you shout at the person
who you find frustrating? Children learn by watching. If you are
quick to anger and ready to “do battle” at each and every slight,
chances are your children will behave the same way. If this describes
you, take some time to learn the skills of healthy anger management.
It is as easy as these four rules. How you manage your anger…
Must not hurt you, other people, property, or animals.
Must allow you to eventually go back and work it out with the other person.
Must allow you to get the angry energy out or give you some time to cool down so the anger becomes less intense.
Must be legal.
It
is fairly apparent that the parents and children involved in the recent
incidents of violence did not follow these rules. Instead they chose
to act out with aggression. So that leaves us to help all the families
who do “play by the rules”. To create a safe environment for your
child I encourage the following:
Communicate
with your children. Ask them questions. Is anyone bothering you at
school? Is anyone bothering you in the neighborhood? How have you
been handling it? Are you afraid?
Gauge
any dispute that may be occurring. Is your child physically safe? Is
your child emotionally safe? The priority is to keep your child safe.
Intervene
parent to parent only if you have a positive relationship with the
other parent and if the conflict is minor. Keep any such intervention
positive focusing only on facts and not placing blame. Be able to
accept your own child’s part in the conflict.
If
the situation is potentially harmful notify the school and seek
assistance with addressing the problem. If the situation is critical
and the potential for violence is present, notify the police
immediately.
Do not confront the other child.
There
are two things that you can do to help your child. First,
communicate! Talk to them without judging. Be someone they can go to
for help. Second, nurture a healthy self-esteem. Give your children
the skills they need to stay safe. Teach your kids the above rules for
healthy anger management and how to live their life assertively, not
aggressively. For further information or to contact us, please visit
our website at www.pyconline.com. Meg Petri, M.Ed., LPC, LCPC, NCC
PYC's annual Football Frenzy event will be held on Sunday, December 5, 2010. This is a very fun fundraiser featuring UNLIMITED pizza, beer, soda, and a great silent auction. Come join us at Smugala's Pizza Pub (10150 Watson Road) and watch the Rams @ Arizona Cardinals!
Tickets and Sponsorships are available online by clicking here.
9530 Watson Industrial Park, Ste. A
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