When I was a kid, my mother said, “Mind your manners” and I quietly rolled my eyes behind her back.As most kids my age I didn’t really understand the importance of manners; but I knew they were important to my mom and to avoid trouble I certainly was going to do what she said!It’s a new day and manners often seem to be lacking in our society.So why exactly are manners important?Well for one, they set boundaries for what is appropriate social behavior, they convey respect for others, and they help maintain a peaceful school, household, and community.
As our definition of respect changes we must look at how this impacts manners and subsequently behavioral changes in our culture.Respect has traditionally meant to consider someone worthy of esteem and regard with honor.It is commonly thought, through this point of view, that the more respect you give, the more you will get.However society has twisted the definition of respect.In some communities respect means that others fear you or defer to your authority.This meaning is being seen more and more in media, music, and videos that target our kids.Suddenly something as simple as respect takes on an ominous tone touching on intimidation and violence.
Yes, in my time serving kids and their families I have seen this dynamic in classrooms, households, playgrounds, and the community in general.As a community; adults, kids, educators, grandparents, etc.; it is time to put the appropriate definition of respect back into our society and the best way to do this is by teaching simple manners.
Four major areas of manners:
General:Address others in a respectful manner avoiding yelling, putdowns, name calling, shaming and blaming.Avoid aggressive communication and focus on facts, not hearsay or supposition.Stay calm, offer a friendly smile, and make eye contact.See yourself serving others by doing things to make their life easier, such as opening the door, helping with a chore, doing things before having to be asked.One of the best rewards of good manners is how nice it makes you feel.
Seniors:Seniors should be addressed and treated with respect.They are a source of wisdom and we can all learn much from them.As our elderly slow down we can sometimes become impatient with them.It may take longer for a senior to answer or respond.To cut them off is to show disrespect.Take your time with our seniors and listen to them; they have a wealth of knowledge and life experience.
Adults/Parents:It is a parent’s job to teach their children nice manners.When children exhibit poor manners the conclusion is often that the parents have not done their job.So to all the kids out there, whether it is right or wrong, your behavior does reflect back on your parents.One of the biggest complaints that I hear from parents is that their kids do not treat them with respect.They argue with them, put them down, and basically don’t see them as a person.To respect your parent is to value them as a living, breathing person.Acknowledge what they do for you and say thank you.Too often we use our very worst manners with our families.These are the people you see every day; they should be the first to receive a please and thank you.Parents work hard to provide for their families, often with little respect for what they are giving their kids.Respect what your parents give you by taking care of what you have.
Children:Children are “talked at” all the time.From their perspective few people see them as being old enough to make decisions.I have heard kids say time and time again, “Just because I’m a kid, does not mean I’m stupid!”The best way for kids to learn manners is to be a good role model.Tell your kids please and thank you.Set expectations for manners in your house.Teach manners and why they are important.Set the expectation that these manners will be followed whether you are present or not.Most important, when your kids demonstrate nice manners, praise them!
Talking points for teaching manners:
Discuss what manners are and why you think they are important. Ask your kids what manners they feel are important.
Talk about a time when someone didn’t use manners and how that felt.
Give different scenarios and ask your kids what manners they would use.
Talk about what manners you expect from your kids and give them the opportunity to express their opinions. In the end, your kids will need a clear picture of what you expect and the consequences if they do not demonstrate your expectations.
Discuss with your children what they can do when their friends don’t have good manners.
Point out good/bad manners during everyday activities; such as watching television.
Remember, the number one way you can create a healthy child is to simply start a conversation!
Progressive Youth Connection is dedicated to providing violence prevention services to youth in the Saint Louis area, and we support the efforts of other professionals and organizations who work to help young people. In April, aligning with a national effort, we bring awareness to the issue of child abuse. Violence, abuse, and neglect against children can be prevented by giving parents access to the resources that they need.
Some startling statistics show the dramatic necessity for supportive services for our vulnerable children and their parents.
A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds. In 2007, the rate of investigated reports into child maltreatment and neglect in Missouri was 1 and ½ times the national average. Missouri is ranked 5th among states with the highest rate of child fatality due to maltreatment and neglect. Eighty percent of children that die from abuse are under the age of four. Incidences and report statistics have been steadily rising over the past decade.
Abuse and neglect of a child under the age of 18 by a parent, caregiver, or another person in a custodial role includes all of the following:
• Physical abuse is the use of physical force, such as hitting, kicking, shaking, burning or other show of force against a child.
• Sexual abuse involves engaging a child in sexual acts. It includes fondling, rape, and exposing a child to other sexual activities.
• Emotional abuse refers to behaviors that harm a child’s self-worth or emotional well-being. Examples include name calling, shaming, rejection, withholding love, and threatening.
• Neglect is the failure to meet a child’s basic needs. These needs include housing, food, clothing, education, and access to medical care.
Research has shown that parents and caregivers who have support—from family, friends, neighbors, and their communities—are more likely to provide safe and healthy homes for their children. When parents lack this support or feel isolated, on the other hand, they may be more likely to make poor decisions that can lead to neglect or abuse. The lack of supervision and lack of positive parenting skills can also lead to unintentional injury of a child.
How You Can Help
Parenting is one of the most challenging and most important jobs in America. When we have strong, healthy parents who have access to the resources and support they need to be successful, our communities become safer and healthier. Individuals and entire communities play a role in helping families find the strength they need to raise safe, healthy, and productive children.
Here are some things you can do:
Get to know your neighbors. Problems seem less overwhelming when support is nearby.
Help a family under stress. Offer to babysit, help with chores and errands, or suggest resources in the community that can help.
Reach out to children in your community. A smile or a word of encouragement can mean a lot, whether it comes from a parent or a passing stranger.
Be an active community member. Lend a hand at local schools, community or faith-based organizations, children's hospitals, social service agencies, or other places where families and children are supported.
Keep your neighborhood safe. Start a Neighborhood Watch or plan a local "National Night Out" community event. You will get to know your neighbors while helping to keep your neighborhood and children safe.
Learn how to recognize and report signs of child abuse and neglect. Reporting your concerns may protect a child and get help for a family who needs it.
Take this opportunity to bring further awareness to this issue by taking one small step in the direction of making your community a safe and healthy place to grow up.
“Who is this stranger living in my
house?” a common lament from parents with children entering the
teenage years. I offer this comfort; at one time your parents
probably uttered the identical phrase. The teenage years are often a
challenge as children experience a variety of biological changes and
explore their emerging identity, often dramatically changing their
reactions to everyday situations. It is perfectly normal for parents
to be left scratching their heads in a dazed manner, muttering to
themselves, “What just happened here?” As we explore the two
major areas of teen drama, please know that the vast majority of
teens emerge into adulthood with the morals and values that you
instilled in them as small children.
Part I
Teen Drama at home: Suddenly
the fights with siblings take an ominous turn with snarls and name
calling. Your teen begins to disagree with everything that you say
or request and treats you with distinct loathing. You feel that you
are wearing a sign on your back that reads “kick me” and you
begin to believe that the only role you have in your child’s life
is “bad guy.” You experience frustration as you try to offer
your teen guidance (based upon years of wisdom and experience) only
to have them reject it without even a thought. As tensions heighten
so do arguments, and the struggle for power and control emerges. If
you are on this rollercoaster I offer some simple steps that can ease
the tension in your home.
Don’t take it personally.
Your teenager is being flooded with emotions and has not yet
matured to the point where they can rationally handle everything
that they are trying to process.
Stick to the facts,
this takes the power out of the drama.
Don’t go there – avoid
power plays. You are the parent and even if it is difficult you
must follow through on stated promises, consequences, etc.
Apologize and make amends
if you have genuinely made a mistake. Ask forgiveness and move on.
If you are genuine in your apology, there is no need to readdress
it, although your teen may continue to bring it up in future
discussions.
Don’t vent your feelings
where your teen, their sibling, or their friends can hear.
Minimize the negative statements you make regarding your teen’s
behavior. Fostering negativity will only make you resentful and can
lead to building anger and conflict.
Take emotion out of the
equation, build a family book. A family book is something I
often suggest for families who are in transition, a state of high
emotion, or just as a general tool. The family book is developed by
the parents and edited, or negotiated, during a family meeting. The
final draft of the family book is approved by the parents. The
family book has three components:
Expectations for behavior.
This outlines what behaviors are expected and should be in line
with the morals and values of your family. For example, telling
the truth and showing respect.
Responsibilities – this
should specifically state the age appropriate expectations that you
have for your child, such as completing homework without being
asked and keeping their room clean. You want to ensure that your
child is capable of completing their responsibilities, so ask them
if there are any problems they see in meeting their
responsibilities and work together to overcome these obstacles. Be
open, if your child complains that they are too tired when they get
home from school to do their homework, see if a snack and some
quiet time will help them feel more alert.
Privileges – this
section talks about what age appropriate privileges your child can
expect if they are meeting their expectations and responsibilities.
It is important to allow your teen to “try on” new privileges
as they demonstrate more maturity.
Structure for consequences
– this section makes it clear how consequences will be given in
your household. I suggest the following structure.
Do not give consequences in the
heat of the moment, allow everyone involved to calm down and
ensure that you have all of the facts prior to giving the
consequence, even if you have to put your teen into a holding
pattern as you collect information.
Develop two consequences and
allow your teen to choose between the two. The first consequence
should be a learning consequence, such as making restitution or
writing an essay about what they would have done differently and
how they will change their behavior in the future. The second
consequence should be punitive, such as taking away a privilege.
If the behavior warrants you may have both, a punitive and
learning consequence, but you should still provide choices. Your
teen is more likely to follow through if they have a voice in the
situation.
When the consequences are
complete, write them down and sign it. This puts closure on this
incident. If a new incident occurs, do not add to this incident,
address it as a new situation.
Follow-through – stay firm to
the structure of the book and follow-through on promises, whether
it is a privilege or a consequence. Understand that a punishment
for your teen can often seem more like a punishment for you. If
your teen is grounded, it does not have to be unpleasant; plan fun
activities that you can do together, such as making pizza or
having a movie night.
Remember to celebrate your teen!
It is so easy to get caught up in the negative that you may miss the
magical moments where your teen does exactly what you would want them
to do. Give celebration for those genuine moments of maturity,
and acknowledge what your teen does right!
1 out of 3 teen girls in the U.S. has been a victim of physical, emotional or sexual abuse by a dating partner.
DATING VIOLENCE
Imagine you are out for an evening stroll and you round a corner only to witness a brutal beating. Before you a young women is being slapped, scratched, and thrown. Your immediate instinct is to help, which is what most of us would do. The truth is, this scenario depicts an all too common situation, a young woman in a violent dating relationship. The desire to intervene is noble – indeed necessary – yet, the reality is that many previous opportunities to prevent this situation have gone unrecognized. Prevalence rates of psychological and emotional abuse in dating relationships have been reported as high as 76% and physical violence as high as 40%. There is no doubt that dating violence is escalating. One in three United States teen girls has been a victim of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse by a dating partner.
Known causes of dating violence include low self-esteem, inexperience with dating, up-bringing, peer pressure, and immaturity. In addition, rigid gender roles stereotypes have been found in adolescents who report dating violence. It is important to remember that dating violence is not confined to heterosexual dating relationships, it is also found in dating relationships of Lesbian, Bi-sexual, Gay, Transgender, and Questioning (LGBTQ) teens. Warning signs to watch for include: sudden loss of interest in activities, low grades, changes in appetite, changes in sleep patterns, loss of regular friends and drastic changes in clothing. Often victims will wear long sleeves, long pants and scarves to hide bruises and marks. If you suspect that your teen may be in a violent dating situation begin communicating with them about appropriate dating behavior and ask them if they are experiencing any of the following behaviors in their dating relationship.
Do you feel like you don't have any power in your relationship?
Are you afraid of your partner's temper?
Are you afraid to disagree?
Are you constantly apologizing for your partner's behavior?
Are you justifying everything you do to avoid your partner's anger?
Are you being put-down by your partner and then being told that s/he loves you?
Are you being kept from seeing your friends and family?
Are you being told what to do?
Are you being forced or pressured to have sex?
Are you afraid to say "no" to sex?
Are you afraid to break up? Is your partner saying s/he can't live without you?
Is your partner jealous or possessive?
Does your partner try to control you?
Does your partner abuse alcohol or other drugs and/or pressure you to take them?
Does your partner blame you when s/he mistreats you?
Does your partner have a history of bad relationships?
Does your partner always blame others for his/her problems?
Does your partner believe s/he should be in control all the time?
Have your family and/or friends warned you about the person or told you they were worried for your safety?
Has your partner hit, kicked, shoved you or thrown things at you?
Have you been wrongly accused of flirting or having sex with someone else?
Do you feel like you can't do anything without your partner's permission?
Does your partner tell you s/he wants you all to him/her and not let you do anything on your own?
REMEMBER: ABUSE IS ABOUT POWER AND CONTROL. If your teen identifies with any of these statements they may be in a violent dating situation. The first way you can help your teen is to offer them love, support, open non-judgmental communication, and encourage zero tolerance for inappropriate dating behaviors. There are many reasons a teen may want to stay in a dating relationship. In high school, status and self-esteem are often intricately linked to a teen’s relationship. Leaving a relationship, even if there is violence, may make your teen feel like she is losing an integral part of her identity. Our society tends to “couple” people. How often does your teen hear the question, “do you have a boyfriend (girlfriend)?” Your teen may feel that it’s better to be in an abusive relationship than in no relationship at all, fearing that she will have no friends, no social standing, or that she will lose her social support system if she breaks up with the abuser. She may be in love and want the violence to end, but not the relationship altogether. Your teen may feel that nobody could possibly understand how she feels, or she may fear punishment — that if you find out, you won’t let the couple date any longer. She may worry that you will be disappointed in her. Finally, you must consider what type of relationships your teen has witnessed. If your teen does not see healthy relationships at home she is not likely to experience one of her own.
Ending a violent relationship can be dangerous. Care should be taken to ensure the safety of your child. Remember, they cannot do this alone. Have them follow these tips and document any threats of violence. Call 9-1-1 if immediate danger is present and contact the local police department to notify them of any risk for violence.
Create a safety plan, including where to go if they are in a dangerous situation.
Provide a working cell phone in case they need to call for help.
Create a secret code with people they trust. That way, if they are with their abuser and need help, they can request help safely.
Notify work and school. Create a safe environment when they are away from home.
Have them avoid walking or riding alone.
Be smart about technology. Don't share passwords. Don't post schedules on Facebook, and keep your settings private.
Our instinct is to help those who are being hurt, but the time to help is long before an occurrence on an afternoon stroll. The time to help is now. Open communication with the young people around you. Don’t be afraid to discuss the topic of dating violence. Know what resources are available to you. Provide support to dating violence prevention and education. Most importantly, educate yourself on what a healthy relationship is and model that behavior.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in Progressive Youth Connection and give you a personal introduction to the agency and the work that we do. I don’t think anyone can look at the world today, especially in St. Louis, and not be concerned by the increase in violence our children are facing. Bullying, gang violence, dating violence, and hate crimes all have drastic consequences; not only in emotional and physical scars, but also in fatalities. PYC has taken a stance to turn this violent reality around.
At PYC, we take every opportunity to create peaceful change in our community. We have the belief that to resolve the issues of violence we must take a holistic approach by addressing each area of a child’s life. This is done by approaching violence through the child, the family, and the community. Teaching children to resolve conflict peacefully, stay safe in situations that could turn violent, and maintain healthy relationships with friends, family, self, and community is an important part of the process, but educating parents and the community is vital. PYC’s programs are designed to give kids, parents, and communities the tools necessary to keep St. Louis children safe.
There are many charities I could have selected to become a part of, not just a board member, but truly a part of the organization. Progressive Youth Connection is different from most children organizations - they PREVENT violence. Growing up in a North County school exposed me to gang violence and segregation amongst students, who didn’t have any sense of responsibility or consequences for their actions. Today, I’m a parent who wants to make the world and classroom a safer place for my child, and yours. We have to worry about a new form of bullying. The concern isn’t who is singling out my child at school, but who is posting negative comments to the entire class, and worse, your child believing those statements. The underlying fact is we need support to grow a healthy community, and it starts with prevention.
I would like to ask you to get involved, as well, by supporting the 2011 World of Children awards and fund raising event through a sponsorship. World of Children is on May 6, 2011 at the DoubleTree in Chesterfield, MO. The event recognizes and honors individuals and businesses in St. Louis that play a significant role in the lives of children. It will draw 200+ prominent community members and provides a perfect opportunity to advertise yourself or your business and support a worthy cause. Hundreds will attend the event and thousands will receive e-blasts featuring your business and links to your page. Please review the attached materials while considering your involvement. This event will be a wonderful success
with your help.
Sincerely,
Jeanette B. Kirkpatrick, World of Children Chair
Progressive Youth Connection Board Member
The 13th Annual World of Children winners are officially in. This year
we a had a number of great candidates and very deserving nominees. The
winners, by category, are:
Community Volunteerism: Dr. Michael Banton, The Psychiatric Center, Ltd.
Health: SSM Cardinal Glennon Children's Medical Center
Non-Profit: Weed and Seed
Social Serices: Gold Wise, Provident
Corporate: Citi
Arts/Entertainment/Media: Tom Brady, Art and Tech Workshop
Education: Lisa Orden Zarin, College Bound
Government/Law: Carter Ward, Missouri School Boards Association Complete Cooperation: Renaissance Financial If you would like more information on the event please get in
touch with John at 314-963-8368, pycdevelopment@aol.com, or visit our
events page. Congrats to the winners and thank you for all you do in
St. Louis! See you soon!
World of Children 2011 will be held on May 6, 2011 at the DoubleTree in Chesterfield. Go to our events page to purchase your tickets today! The World of Children awards are will be presented at the event to recognize and honor those who have played in significant role in the lives of St. Louis children. The event features wine tasting, hors d'oeuvres, live music and an auction. All proceeds benefit Progressive Youth Connection's violence prevention programs in local schools and communities.
Progressive Youth Connection would like to thank all of our guests and sponsors at our annual Football Frenzy event in December. We could not keep up our mission without you!
Thank you, again, to our sponsors: Gateway Metals, Max Muscle Sports Nutrition, Paul Cross & Associates, Clement Masonry, and Ernst & Young.
Please keep PYC in mind when giving this holiday season. We depend on our community to keep our mission alive. Here are a few tips to make the best out of your holidays.
Safe Holidays:
Don’t drink and drive.
-The times of day with the highest number of drunk driving fatalities are midnight to 3 a.m. (28%), 9 p.m. to midnight (21%), and then 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. (16%).
-38% of all Christmas-time car accident deaths and 54 % of all New Year's car accident deaths are alcohol-related.
Be mindful of decorations. Many trees, lights and holiday shrubbery can be toxic or a choking hazard.
Be aware of food allergies, not only for you and your family, but also for visiting guests.
Know where your children are, what they are doing and who they are with.
Embrace laughter, joy, and peace. Focus on the positives of the holiday season.
Minimize stress by making schedules, budgets, and saying no when you have to.
Spend quality time with your kids. Talk with them. Read books together. Watch your favorite holiday movies or television shows. Share special memories about your own childhood. Engage!
Head off drama and theatrics by setting clear expectations about spending time with the family, helping out with various tasks, and how you expect your kids to use their free time during the holiday break. Make the consequences clear and follow through. Once you have set these expectations take a step back. Don’t remind or nag. If something is not done then allow the consequence to redirect the behavior. Remember to monitor your own behavior and model to your children how you want them to behave.
Know the signs of depression. The holidays can often trigger depression for a variety of reasons, from missing a loved one who has passed away to not feeling part of the holiday spirit. If you notice signs of depression, ask your child how they are feeling. Seek help if they are suffering from depressive symptoms. Go to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation or call 911 if there is any risk of immediate harm.
Be accessible to your children. Give them the floor to talk and listen without preaching or offering clichés. Help them work toward solutions to their problems without rushing in to “fix things”.
Happy Holidays:
Embrace traditions
Start new traditions (and scrap the tired, worn out, or aged out traditions)
Celebrate your culture.
Cook together. With supervision and depending on age, kids can do everything from prep work to cookie decoration! It will give you the chance to talk, be creative, and encourage each other. When kids accomplish a cooking task it not only builds confidence it improves self-esteem!
Let go of the past. Nothing ruins family time like a grudge. Make peace with the past and move on. Grudges are self-punishing and make you feel bad. Focus on these steps to let go of your grudge.
- Find the source of the grudge - Rationalize its impact on your life - Change the course of your relationship. You can preferably restore the relationship by adjusting your attitude. However, if the relationship is detrimental to your mental, emotional, or physical well-being; you may be better off to distance yourself. (www.mayoclinic.com)
Set a budget and stick with it. Don’t be embarrassed by how large or small your budget is. It’s your life, it’s your budget, and it’s your business.
Give your kids a budget, even if it is a dollar or less! Help them to plan for who they want to give gifts or help out during the holidays. Teach your children that not every gift costs money. Artwork, letters, poems, and raking the leaves are all gifts that are inexpensive or free.
Get outside! Take your kids on a lights tour! Visit the zoo. Bundle up and enjoy the great outdoors. Pack a thermos with hot chocolate. It tastes so much better when it’s frosty outside.
Dance! Put on the music, turn it up, and dance with abandon. This is a sure way to teach your children to be light hearted and depending on your dancing, how not to be self conscious!
Take the time to send your kids a holiday card telling them what makes them special.
Progressive Youth Connection will be having its annual Football Frenzy event on December 5, 2010. We would love to see some new faces so please feel welcome to come and bring a friend. Tickets are $40 each and include food (pizza, salad), drink (beer, soda), and a great time. This is a great chance to meet some new people and do some networking in a casual environment. Buy your tickets online by clicking here. Have questions? Email John at pycdevelopment@aol.com.
9530 Watson Industrial Park, Ste. A
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