October is National Bullying Prevention Month.It is important that we start teaching our children how to prevent bullying and what to do if they see bullying.Through October, I will be addressing bullying through information focusing on various age groups and behaviors.Today I would like to talk about teaching children the difference between teasing and bullying.It is common and completely normal to tease those that we love.But what really is teasing?The Mirriam-Webster dictionary states that teasing is “to make fun of”.Is that what we really do with our loved ones?Of
course not; we tease because there is a comfort zone there that allows
us to make little jokes about our loved one’s idiosyncrasies without
being demeaning or putting them down.The teasing strengthens the bond and makes the two people closer.For
example, a wife asking her husband if she snores and the husband
replying, “of course not, Darling, you don’t snore, you purr.”The statement is softened in a positive way and the wife is not embarrassed or humiliated.When
you tease it should boost someone’s morale and make them feel better
about themselves and comfortable with those around them.
Children can have a difficult time understanding the concept of teasing.The
way to distinguish between the two is by the intent. The goal of
teasing is to create closer relationships and make connections. The
goal of bullying is to harm. Teasing turns into bullying when kids use
it to gain greater social status.(scholastic.com).
To help your children learn this difference, I encourage you to have a conversation about teasing and bullying.
Ask your kids what they see at school, do kids tease each other?
Who do they tease? How do they tease, what do they do?
Do they get teased? How are they teased?
Ask them how they feel when they are teased.
Does teasing leave them feeling embarrassed or bad?
Have they ever teased someone in an attempt to make the other person feel bad or to get people to laugh at that person?
Define
bullying for your children: Bullying is when someone repeatedly and on
purpose says or does mean or hurtful things to another person who has a
hard time defending himself or herself.
Bullying
does not happen by mistake. If you become concerned after talking to
your child, talk to the school and find out what is going on.
Follow-up with your child and the school to make sure that any bullying
issues are resolved. Encourage your children to come to you if they
think anyone is getting their feelings hurt or if they are being
physically bullied. Model good behavior for your children by avoiding
putting people down, making jokes about individuals or groups of
people, and name-calling. Focus on building people up and teaching
your children to accept others in spite of the differences they may
have.
As
always, if you have any concerns about the safety of your child, or any
other child, address them immediately with the school. If the threat
for violence is great contact the police department. Simple
conversations as the one above can go a long way to changing the lives
of our children. Nobody should go to school in fear and it is our
responsibility to ensure this. Please visit our website at pyconline.com for more information or to contribute your comments to our parent’s page. Thank you for your interest in the well being of our children. Meg Petri, M.Ed., LPC, LCPC, NCC
I
think we have all been shocked by the recent headlines reporting on
parents intervening in their children’s disputes with violence. Even
the passive violence of a parent encouraging one child to fight another
is disturbing. This is what happens when adults have never been
educated on the basics of anger management and conflict resolution.
That coupled with an obvious lack of maturity creates a disastrous
environment for our children, resulting in parents intervening
inappropriately rather than teaching their children how to resolve
conflict peacefully and keep themselves safe. Some argue that we now
live in a culture that embraces “might makes right.” Although this
notion may be found culturally through various forms of media,
including movies and music, it is completely inappropriate to teach
children to live their lives through aggression.
As
we read these startling headlines it is easy to become dismayed and
fearful for our children’s safety. I want to take a moment to address
some things that you can do to help create a safe environment for your
children. First, look at how you resolve your disputes in and out of
your home. Is your first response anger? Do you shout at the person
who you find frustrating? Children learn by watching. If you are
quick to anger and ready to “do battle” at each and every slight,
chances are your children will behave the same way. If this describes
you, take some time to learn the skills of healthy anger management.
It is as easy as these four rules. How you manage your anger…
Must not hurt you, other people, property, or animals.
Must allow you to eventually go back and work it out with the other person.
Must allow you to get the angry energy out or give you some time to cool down so the anger becomes less intense.
Must be legal.
It
is fairly apparent that the parents and children involved in the recent
incidents of violence did not follow these rules. Instead they chose
to act out with aggression. So that leaves us to help all the families
who do “play by the rules”. To create a safe environment for your
child I encourage the following:
Communicate
with your children. Ask them questions. Is anyone bothering you at
school? Is anyone bothering you in the neighborhood? How have you
been handling it? Are you afraid?
Gauge
any dispute that may be occurring. Is your child physically safe? Is
your child emotionally safe? The priority is to keep your child safe.
Intervene
parent to parent only if you have a positive relationship with the
other parent and if the conflict is minor. Keep any such intervention
positive focusing only on facts and not placing blame. Be able to
accept your own child’s part in the conflict.
If
the situation is potentially harmful notify the school and seek
assistance with addressing the problem. If the situation is critical
and the potential for violence is present, notify the police
immediately.
Do not confront the other child.
There
are two things that you can do to help your child. First,
communicate! Talk to them without judging. Be someone they can go to
for help. Second, nurture a healthy self-esteem. Give your children
the skills they need to stay safe. Teach your kids the above rules for
healthy anger management and how to live their life assertively, not
aggressively. For further information or to contact us, please visit
our website at www.pyconline.com. Meg Petri, M.Ed., LPC, LCPC, NCC
PYC's annual Football Frenzy event will be held on Sunday, December 5, 2010. This is a very fun fundraiser featuring UNLIMITED pizza, beer, soda, and a great silent auction. Come join us at Smugala's Pizza Pub (10150 Watson Road) and watch the Rams @ Arizona Cardinals!
Tickets and Sponsorships are available online by clicking here.
...is to make sure that they receive support from three or more non-parent adults. Kids need to connect. They need to have people who value them outside of their own household. Why? Because kids need a connection with others who have a different story to tell. They need to be exposed to different viewpoints. Most importantly, they need to know that there is more than one person they can turn to if they run into difficulty; that there is more than their parents who care about their well-being. Often, parents are the last people that teens want to approach when they are having trouble. They may be afraid they are letting their parents down or they may, rationally or irrationally, fear the reaction from their parents. During times like this it is nice for teens to have another person to turn to that can help them approach their parents and successfully deal with the situation.
For Parents:
Don't be afraid to let your teen have a positive relationships with other adults. Do, however, create a safety net for your teen. Know who these people are. Know their intentions. Know what activities they have with your teen. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Ask your teen about the comfort level they have with other adults. One final note: At all times know where your teen is, what they are doing, and who they are with.
For Caring Adults:
Talk to the teens around you. Take an interest in their activities. Let them know that they can come to you if they need to talk. So many teens are stereotyped as sullen, moody, and uncooperative. Remember, they are going through a difficult stage in life. They are moving into adulthood, but still need the care of their parents. Do not judge a parent. Do not criticize a parent to their teen. Develop relationships with the parent as you would with the teen. If the teen is speaking about doing something harmful to themselves, inform the teen that you must notify the parent right away. If the teen is reluctant or frightened, I usually advise that the teen and the concerned adult approach the parent together. Remember, you are not there to be the parent, you are there to be the support.
Working together we can give our teens the support they need to grow up safely. The next time you are with a teen, start a conversation. Talk about their interests and your interests. Listen without judging. Avoid clichés. Just enjoy the moment! A simple conversation can change a teenager’s life.
If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to contact me or PYC staff. You can also ask questions on our parent page at www.pyconline.com. We strive to be a knowledgeable and dependable resource for kids, teens, parents, and adults.
Meg Petri, M.Ed., LPC, LCPC, NCC
Executive Director Progressive Youth Connection www.pyconline.com
Progressive Youth Connection is currently looking for Board Members and special event committee members. If you, or someone you know, would be interested in joining PYC and supporting our mission, please contact us! If you would like to give back to the kids in our community but are unsure about joining as a board member, consider joining the World of Children event committee. Help PYC staff and Board plan and execute our annual World of Children Gala!
On
Friday, August 6, 2010 a juvenile in St. Louis County was arrested for
making online threats against students and staff at Parkway Central
High School. Reports indicate that the former student had a Facebook
page that was filled with gore, violence, and threats of violence. A
parent informed the school and the school immediately informed the
police, who then took action. This is a beautiful example of how
violence prevention can work to avert tragedy. To begin with, there
was an alert teenager who recognized that there was something wrong
with the postings they were seeing. Caring, integrity, and
responsibility are key values in healthy youth development. At some
point this teenager was informed that action was needed upon seeing
these violent internet posts. Second, the teenager informed an adult
about the postings. One of the most important steps to averting
violence is to tell a responsible adult. At times, for a teenager,
this can be a daunting action. Fear of not being believed or having
negative consequences can prevent kids from taking their concerns to
adults. In this case, the teenager obviously approached a caring and
concerned adult who knew what action to take. Finally, the right
authorities were called in. The school was notified and in turn they
notified the police. This allowed for immediate action to be taken to
prevent any forward movement toward violence. In addition to ensuring
the safety of the students at Parkway Central High School, it also
allows for the teenager who posted such violent thoughts to get the
help they need.
As
our children go back to school it is time to give them some tools that
will help ensure their safety. Please consider taking the following
action with your children and to all the grandparents, aunts, uncles,
and friends of the family, do your part by being a responsible adult
that children can come to for guidance.
1. Communication
– it cannot be said enough that you must communicate with your
children. Listen without judging or giving clichés. Ask questions;
are you afraid of anyone at school? For older kids ask if they have
seen weapons at school or at parties. Ask if they have seen bullying
or violence.
2.Identify
people that your children can go to for help. Identify at least one
adult at the school who your child can approach for help. Identify at
least three adults that your child can go to for guidance and
assistance. Why three adults? You may not always be available for
your child to contact with an issue, there are times when your child
may be too embarrassed or fearful of your reaction to approach you, and
if you are involved in identifying these adults you will know that they
have your child’s best interests in mind as they help them.
3.It
is better to be safe than sorry. If you hear something disturbing,
notify the school and the police. Give them specifics and why you have
concerns. Know the school’s policy regarding bullying and violence.
If your child is a target of a bully or potential violence take the
steps necessary to keep them safe.
4.Don’t
be afraid to intervene. If you see behaviors in your child that are
concerning; such as a fascination with violence, a sudden change in
behavior, or violent statements; start asking questions and get help
immediately. If there are concerns that your child may harm themselves
or someone else take them to the hospital for an evaluation. If there
are immediate concerns call the police or dial 911.
At
times we all have moments of “it can’t happen here.” The reality is
that it can. Now, more than ever, we must be vigilant with violence
prevention and intervention. Our children deserve to grow up in a safe
and caring environment. If you have additional questions or comments,
please visit our parent page at www.pyconline.com; Meg Petri, M.Ed., LPC, LCPC, NCC – Executive Director, PYC.
9530 Watson Industrial Park, Ste. A
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