I
think we have all been shocked by the recent headlines reporting on
parents intervening in their children’s disputes with violence. Even
the passive violence of a parent encouraging one child to fight another
is disturbing. This is what happens when adults have never been
educated on the basics of anger management and conflict resolution.
That coupled with an obvious lack of maturity creates a disastrous
environment for our children, resulting in parents intervening
inappropriately rather than teaching their children how to resolve
conflict peacefully and keep themselves safe. Some argue that we now
live in a culture that embraces “might makes right.” Although this
notion may be found culturally through various forms of media,
including movies and music, it is completely inappropriate to teach
children to live their lives through aggression.
As we read these startling headlines it is easy to become dismayed and fearful for our children’s safety. I want to take a moment to address some things that you can do to help create a safe environment for your children. First, look at how you resolve your disputes in and out of your home. Is your first response anger? Do you shout at the person who you find frustrating? Children learn by watching. If you are quick to anger and ready to “do battle” at each and every slight, chances are your children will behave the same way. If this describes you, take some time to learn the skills of healthy anger management. It is as easy as these four rules. How you manage your anger…
- Must not hurt you, other people, property, or animals.
- Must allow you to eventually go back and work it out with the other person.
- Must allow you to get the angry energy out or give you some time to cool down so the anger becomes less intense.
- Must be legal.
It is fairly apparent that the parents and children involved in the recent incidents of violence did not follow these rules. Instead they chose to act out with aggression. So that leaves us to help all the families who do “play by the rules”. To create a safe environment for your child I encourage the following:
- Communicate with your children. Ask them questions. Is anyone bothering you at school? Is anyone bothering you in the neighborhood? How have you been handling it? Are you afraid?
- Gauge any dispute that may be occurring. Is your child physically safe? Is your child emotionally safe? The priority is to keep your child safe.
- Intervene parent to parent only if you have a positive relationship with the other parent and if the conflict is minor. Keep any such intervention positive focusing only on facts and not placing blame. Be able to accept your own child’s part in the conflict.
- If the situation is potentially harmful notify the school and seek assistance with addressing the problem. If the situation is critical and the potential for violence is present, notify the police immediately.
- Do not confront the other child.
There are two things that you can do to help your child. First, communicate! Talk to them without judging. Be someone they can go to for help. Second, nurture a healthy self-esteem. Give your children the skills they need to stay safe. Teach your kids the above rules for healthy anger management and how to live their life assertively, not aggressively. For further information or to contact us, please visit our website at www.pyconline.com. Meg Petri, M.Ed., LPC, LCPC, NCC
9530 Watson Industrial Park, Ste. A
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